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AN ARGUMENT WITH MY FACIAL HAIR


I am not argumentative.


I ask for logic. I seek logic. But I am not sure if my facial hair does. I mean my facial hair is an integral part of me. I trim them, shave them, shape them just the way it suits me. I mean that shouldn’t be a problem for the facial hair. Their job is to make me look good. I mean, shouldn’t they embody my identity by default? Logically there should exist no conflict between me and my facial hair.


But, one fine morning suddenly they started talking with me. I was taken aback as they began to talk. I mean who has heard facial hair talking? But believe it or not, they began to talk with me as I was looking into the mirror right before I was about to shave.


- Sire! Why do you shave us off every day?

- Excuse me? What?

- You heard us right. So, please answer.

- Oh hush. You are my facial hair. Do you know the meaning of ‘me’ or ‘my’?

I emphasized on the me and my words.

- Of course, we do. But that is not the answer to our question. We request you to answer our question. It is very important for us.

- You’re my facial hair. You’re my property. Therefore, I can do whatever I wish to do with you.

- Pardon us sire but that’s not fair. Each day as a group, we take effort to grow. Every minute of the day we stay focused to the growth like a farmer would for his crops. Have you ever thought why we work so tirelessly? We do that, just so you can identify yourself as a male human being. Imagine for once, what if we refuse to exist! What will happen to your manhood then?


I didn’t have an answer. I couldn’t think of one that would be logical. I shouldn’t have thought about my facial hair talking to me. This problem arose only after I indulged myself in this imagination. Life is much easier without any imagination. Everything in life has been prescribed diligently. There is really no need to think. If I don’t think everything appears to be in perfect order. The more I think, the more trouble I invite for myself. And I don’t like it.


But somehow, the path of the thoughts is very irrational. The more I want to avoid them, the more they surface. It was no different in this case of non-argumentative argument with my facial hair. The very next day they appeared again.


- Hello there! We hope you are in a better frame of mind today. May we proceed?

- What? Proceed what? My foot!

- No, no, no. We are just some peaceful and peace-loving beard. We don’t kick. We don’t take a hike. We are here only at your service sir just so that you can be addressed as a ‘sir.’

- What do you want? I mean just go away.

- Are you banishing us sir? If that’s what you order, we may be able to fulfil your wish and honor your order.

- Are you threatening me? What do you want?

- Nothing sir except for an answer. Why do you want us to grow only to shave us as soon as we grow? It hurts us. Moreover, it is a discrimination. We have never seen you shave off hair growth anywhere else. They are free to grow and they are accepted just the way they are. But we are discriminated against.

- You just make me look ugly if I let you grow.

- Then why do you not totally discard us?

- Well, I need your presence to call myself a complete man. I am incomplete without you. But I don’t want you to grow. Your growth doesn’t add to my growth.

- That’s inhumane. Unacceptable!


Sounded like an ultimatum to me. Logically they do have a point. I simply want them to sacrifice their life for my existence. They are my identity yet I disown them. But I cannot let them influence my mind. I mean if I support their logical question and cease to shave ever again, I will be appearing so uncivilized. My social acceptability will be nonexistent. No, no, no; I can’t let them win. Their win is my loss. I mean if I don’t shave one day, they become so itchy. I get repulsed.


- Hey dude!

- What did you just call me?

- You heard us. We respectfully addressed you as ‘sir.’ But that did no good! So, believe it or not; we have decided to increase our production capacity. We will now grow four times faster. So, face the challenge. Take time out from your manly busy schedule to shave four times a day! Let’s see who wins!


They truly had revolted against me. I couldn’t sleep that night. They grew faster than ever before. I couldn’t wake up on time next morning. I was late for work. I was reprimanded. I was demoted. I was thrown out of my job. I lost all my possessions. First, I lost my car. Then they repossessed my home. Now I can’t even buy food. I am hungry. I am fatigued. I don’t even have money to buy a razor or a blade. I am about to die. I want to die. There is no point in staying alive anymore. These stupid beards have now taken over my face. Only a little bit of my forehead and my awkward eyes are visible. Every inch of the rest of the face is covered under beard. They are now gradually covering my whole body.


Slowly the beards anchored me to the ground. Illogically but literally, they grew to turn into roots like the ones that hold a tree onto the ground. I am now stationary. I stand still. I am still. I am immobile. I am inert. My beards didn’t kill me. I didn’t die.


Why am I still alive? Is it so that they could declare their victory? Or is it because without me they cannot grow? Does that mean as much as they need me to stay alive, I need them equally? Then why couldn’t we ever come to some sort of understanding? Why didn’t we ever come to an equal ground?


- What is the logical answer my lords?


I asked my beards. But they didn’t answer. They didn’t argue either. They just continued to grow.

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